people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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