dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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