Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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