Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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