The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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