Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He better not be in your backpack
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
