i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
