No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
