I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
