I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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