it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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