He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
