You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
