Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
