dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
