i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
