Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Randomize
