People with herpes should wear stickers.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
