Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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