omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
