Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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