mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
