i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
