Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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