remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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