every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
