So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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