Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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