ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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