Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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