Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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