The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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