I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
