and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
