I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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