to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
