New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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