Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
