Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
