The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
