i was born a porn star she said
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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