I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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