I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
