you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
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