im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
