I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
