Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
