My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
