You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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