it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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