We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
