Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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